


Ouroboros

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Aliens (1986), Mass Effect
Genre: Crossover, DLC Spoilers, M/M, No happy end, Renegade Commander Shepard, Spoilers, citadel spoilers in plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 08:02:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reapers were defeated, and now Shepard and Kaidan was supposed to start on their new life, one which was not in the shadow of constant doom. But things didn't quite pan out as they planned, and as a result they drifted apart. Shepard picks up where he had left off, the Commander of the Normandy, searching through the galaxies for Cerberus pockets. Untill they pick up a distress call from Kaidan who is stranded on a remote mining rock in an astroid belt, called LV-426.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. LV-426

**Author's Note:**

> The bunny wouldn't leave me alone - No regrets, man. Took time out of my busy BB time to write this, get it out of my system. I should tell you that there is no smut in this story, only hints of what once was.
> 
> Betaed by Goodbye_sun/Robotkumo
> 
> There is a soundtrack [@8tracks](http://8tracks.com/darlingazzy/ouroboros-fanfiction-soundtrack)

_What if there was no line_  
 _Nothing wrong, nothing right_  
 _What if there was no time_  
 _And no reason, or rhyme_  
 _What if you should decide_  
 _That you don't want me there by your side_  
 _That you don't want me there in your life_  
 _What if I got it wrong_  
 _And no poem or song_  
 _Could put right what I got wrong_  
 _Or make you feel I belong_  
 _-Coldplay_

__________________________________

 

”Commander,” Traynor called over the intercom, ”Sir?”

Shepard looked up from his datapad and pushed the talk button on the intercom, ”What is it?”

”There is a call from Hackett, Sir.”

”Patch him through,” Shepard sighed, and leaned back in the chair, watching as his intercom screen fizzed and came alive again with Steven Hackett's face staring directly at him.

”You're looking tired Shepard,” Hackett said.

”I'm fine, Sir.” Shepard said a little too swift, leaning forward to push his glass of whiskey out of Hackett's line of sight.

”That's good,” Hackett answered, not looking all too convinced. ”Another ship picked up a distress call,” he said, knowing Shepard's preference of getting straight to the point. ”The Normandy is the only ship in even remote proximity. I want you to go take a look at it.”

”Alright,” Shepard said with a nod, ”We can do that.”

”I thought you could do with a change of scenery,” Hackett said with a slim fatherly smile.

Shepard shrugged, ”What are the mission parameters, sir?”

Hackett's gaze flickered for a moment, and then he said, ”EDI can fill you in, she has all the information.”

”Very well, Sir.” Shepard said, returning the slim bloodless smile, ”Consider it done.”

”I knew I could count on you,” Hackett said, his smile more relaxed, ”Hackett out.”

Shepard leaned in and grabbed the whiskey glass, taking a sip of it, his expression grim and angry. ”EDI!” he yelled out into the room.

”Yes, Shepard?” EDI's bodiless voice said.

”What are you trying to pull?” Shepard growled, ”Hackett said that we were the only ship in the area, why did we not pick up on this distress call?”

”We did,” EDI said. ”But, I advised against telling you, and wired it through to Admiral Hackett instead.” There was a moment of silence before EDI spoke again, ”I wasn't sure our resources were spent best on a detour like that.”

”EDI,” Shepard sighed, pouring himself another drink, ”Even without a face, I can tell you're lying.”

”Maybe I am,” EDI said cryptically. ”Are you ready for the mission parameters, Shepard?”

”Shoot,” Shepard groaned, swinging his feet to his table, leaning back further in his chair.

”The distress call came from a small mining and terraformer colony, on a distant planet known as LV-426,” EDI said. ”The colony was shut down for a decade due to problems with the atmosphere plant. Somehow, the processor became unstable and posed a danger to not only the planet but to every colonist.”

”Nuclear powered?” Shepard asked bored.

”Yes.” EDI said, ”Here is the strange thing, I can see that according to the files the first colonists were all reported as having been evacuated, but there is no trace of them arriving anywhere. Shepard, whoever covered this up did a poor job.”

”But good enough so some asshole sends a new shipment of colonists out there?” Shepard asked.

”Seems like it.” EDI agreed.

”Was it a human colony?” Shepard asked, taking another sip.

”Earth founded, yes. But the colony had several species working there. Apparently, humans are not the only ones who want new frontiers to conquer.”

Shepard snorted annoyed, ”Let me hear the distress call.” But EDI didn't react, ”EDI, the distress call.”

”Very well Shepard.” EDI said, and started the playback of the distress call.

'fffzztttt...Thi-s is ffzzztffzz requesting imidia-te-te-te-te ffzzztttzz assista.. sqqrrrrzzz I repeat, this is fffzzzssqiii'

Shepard paled a little, clutching his glass tighter, ”Can you clean that up EDI?”

”No sorry, this is the best I can do. I think that the atmosphere might be disrupting their signal.” EDI said, ”We can't raise the colony either.”

”You tried?” Shepard rose his eyebrow. ”Look what is this about? First you don't tell me about a mysterious SOS signal, and then you try and raise the colony on your own. What the hell is going on EDI?”

”I would rather not tell you.” EDI answered honestly.

”How about I make you?” Shepard yelled, slamming his glass down into his desk, the amber liquid sloshing out over the edge.

”My voice recognizer registered the voice in the distress call.” EDI stated, ”It is Spectre Kaidan Alenko.”

”Wh-what?” Shepard felt his anger flush out his body, being replaced by cold panic. ”Kaidan is there?”

”Yes. He and a team were dispatched to find out why headquarters lost contact with the colony,” EDI stated flatly. ”We felt it would be best not to tell you.”

”Who is 'we'?” Shepard said with a tiny voice, knowing exactly who 'we' would be.

”I believe they would prefer to be anonymous, Shepard,” EDI said. ”So, do you want me to plot a course for you? We can be in orbit of LV-426 in nine hours. Shepard?”

”Yes, plot the course EDI,” Shepard mumbled. ”And send me what you have on the planet, the colony and – the team.”

”Of course.” EDI said, and went silent.

Shepard leaned across his desk, pulling a picture frame from under a pile of unfinished ship models he had meant to get done and data pads. He couldn't help but to smile as he looked at the picture in the frame. Kaidan and he on the Citadel, Shepard with one arm around Kaidan's waist, and the other still in cast. They looked so happy and alive on that picture. Shepard's chest felt tight with sadness, they looked alive alright, but nothing had been further from the truth. At the end of the day, Shepard had found that he was dead inside. Kaidan had wanted to settle in soft comfort, him, John and easy living. He had wanted them to pick up a teacher gig like Jack had, he had wanted them to just sit there and wait to get old. Shepard had tried, he really had, but he got restless and angry. He was a soldier, not a kindergarten teacher, he was trained for killing, not for cooking perfect pasta. So, he had coped the best way he could, at bars, in the company of anyone who'd listen.

In the beginning, Kaidan had found him, picked him up and brought him home. But that ended too, just like the soft smiles, the random hugs or comfortable silence. Even the fighting ended, eventually. Some days Shepard would return home, but he couldn't handle the look in Kaidan's eyes, so mostly he'd stay away, or sleep on the couch, fully dressed. Kaidan had tried to make him see doctors, but he had refused.

As Shepard sat here and looked at the picture, he found himself running a thumb down the smiling Kaidan in the picture. They had a good sprint, nothing changed that. He frowned. He didn't want to feel these feelings, he had carefully buried them under anger and alcohol. He recalled his last words to Kaidan, 'Guess I'm only good at destroying things, sorry'. And with that he had left. It still made him feel like a coward, running like that.

Maybe he shouldn't be in the landing party? Maybe he should assign this over to Garrus, brilliant, loyal Garrus. Kaidan would not have a problem with him. Or maybe it was just time that Shepard took the bull by the horns and dealt with whatever it was that made him fuck up the best thing that ever happened to him.

~*~

Reading through the files Shepard grew increasingly nervous and restless, ”EDI what's our ETA?” he asked out loud.

”T-minus 40 minutes.” EDI answered.

”Tell the crew to be ready in 20,” Shepard answered back. Reluctantly he placed the personnel files of the colony down, and stood to shrug off his casual uniform, to his combat one. He had no clue what was waiting for them down there, besides Kaidan. And for the first time in the fourteen months since he had last seen him, he felt this cabin was too empty and silent.

He continued to strap himself into his uniform, zipping his boots. He could see his reflection in the fish tank, small cracks in his skin glowing red, he turned his head slightly to see a scar close to his left temple had grown, it was more like a fucking cybernetic crater now than anything. They didn't even frighten him any more, he couldn't care less if his entire fucking face was a red beacon. He had maybe also gotten more greys, and lost some weight since he battled the Reapers.

He grabbed a datapad and stalked with long purposeful steps towards the elevator.

~*~

Nodding at Garrus as he came down into the hangar, ”Alright,” Shepard said coming to a halt. ”This is a search and rescue, but you also need to be prepared to encounter hostiles, so remember to check your weapons. I don't know much about this mission, but I do know that we received a distress call from Spectre Alenko, whom set down on LV-426 with his team, responding to radio silence from the colony.”

Garrus looked up at Shepard from his seat on a supply crate. Shepard looked away, mostly uncharacteristically. ”Do we know why the colony went dark?” Garrus asked.

”No. EDI?” Shepard turned to EDI's physical body which stood leaned against the shuttle.

”I can tell you that the distress call was sent four days and sixteen hours ago, and we have not been able to communicate with either the vessel that Spectre Alenko and his crew arrived to LV-426 on, or the colony.” EDI looked over at Garrus, ”James and Liara are there too.”

Garrus looked up at Shepard, angry that he hadn't been told.

Shepard held a hand up, ”Doesn't make a difference, we have a job to do people. Let's do it.” Anyone who didn't know him as well as Garrus did, might not have noticed the second of hesitation before Shepard stepped into the Shuttle.

~*~

The trip there was in uncomfortable silence. Garrus could tell that Shepard did his most to appear stoic, but he could tell from the way his hands were clenched that he was far from calm. ”Maybe, maybe you should stay in the shuttle, Shepard?” Garrus said softly, breaking the silence.

”Why?” Shepard asked, relaxing his hands, realizing he was being watched.

”Because maybe, you know bad blood and all.” Garrus said with a little shrug.

”What, you think that he's gonna shoot me in the face when we land?” Shepard asked, his voice a little too high strung for Garrus' taste.

”I wouldn't put it past him.” Garrus said, with a dry laugh, ”I would have, if I were him.”

”Not this again, Garrus.” Shepard bit him off, ”I am not discussing my private matters with you. Period.” And with that the cabin of the shuttle went silent again.

”We have a visual of the colony, but I don't see anyone, Commander.” The shuttle pilot said. ”And I mean, no one.”

”Make a sweep of the perimeter,” Shepard said, getting up from his seat to come stand in the cockpit. ”You're right,” he admitted, and then turned to his team in the shuttle. ”Look alive.” He turned to the shuttle pilot, ”Set us down over there, and wait.”

”Yes, Commander.” The shuttle pilot said.

Shepard was the first to exit the shuttle, he shifted a little nervously, clutching his gun, not sure what to expect. ”Okay, you, you and you,” He pointed at three soldiers, ”You go with Garrus, and meet us at the main entrance.” He turned to the other two soldiers and EDI, ”You are with me, let's go. Make sure to keep up the radio link, Garrus.”

”See you at the entrance.” Garrus moved out with his team, and Shepard the other way.

”EDI?” Shepard asked.

”I detect no life, Shepard.” EDI said.

Shepard was just about to answer, when a bright blue explosion cloud shot out of what Shepard assumed was the atmosphere plant. ”What's that?”

”Venting,” EDI said. “The core in the plant is overheating, or.. malfunctioning, either way, it's bad.”

”I thought the nuclear atmosphere plants were outlawed like fifteen years ago.” Shepard huffed, making his way around some stranded vehicles that reminded him of futuristic dinosaurs in the rugged landscape. ”Besides, who the hell would try and make this rock habitable? It's a wasteland.”

”Rich on minerals and Ezo.” EDI stated.

”There's that.” Shepard sighed, ”Always some money grabbing asshole ready to exploit the refugees from the Reaper war. Come on EDI, you'd have to be desperate to come here.”

”Are you saying that because of Mindoir, or because you are genuinely against capitalism?” EDI asked with a little giggle.

”Bitch.” Shepard mouthed, but couldn't help but to smile.

They arrived at the front gate, seeing Garrus already there. ”The door panel is ruined, someone went through great effort to keep something in, or out.”

EDI chuckled a little and walked over to the panel, it took her under sixty seconds to have the door opened.

”Have I told you lately that I love you?” Garrus said with a laugh as they made it inside. ”Hey Shepard, look at around, this place is shot to shit.”

”I see it.” Shepard said, ”Lots of blood, but no bodies.”

”Where – where the hell are the bodies, Commander?” One of the soldiers asked nervously as he poked a giant hole in the floor with the muzzle of his rifle.

”Don't know, Private Walker.” Shepard said with a shrug, ”But we are not here for the dead, but to rally up the living.” Shepard looked back at his team for a moment. Before the Reaper war, he had been surrounded by friends, and this was what it was reduced to, five skittish soldiers and two friends.

His train of thought was cut off as Garrus yelled, ”GET DOWN!”

Shepard got down only to hear the sound of a bullet meeting flesh, followed by a muffled scream. Goddamit, he thought to himself, but laid flat on his stomach and waited.

”I think it's empty now.” Garrus said slowly standing.

”What was that?” Shepard asked, brushing himself off as he stood.

”A turret.” EDI said.

Shepard rose a brow, ”Are there more of those?”

”Yes, but none are armed.”

”Alright,” Shepard turned to see the injured soldier clutching his shoulder. ”Get him up, and fall in line.” He turned and walked over a hole in the floor. Garrus looked at EDI when Shepard just walked away, but EDI just shook her head.

Raising his gun, and his biotics flaring alive as they heard a door slide open, Shepard aimed at whatever came out. ”James?” he asked with surprise when he saw the bulky man in the doorway.

”Shepard?” James asked equally surprised. ”Garrus? EDI?” He waved them into the door, ”Get in here, all of you.”

”We have an injured man,” Shepard said, ”Do you have medical supplies?”

”Yes, yes. Just get in here.” James answered slightly antsy.

The moment they were in, James shut the door, and pushed a shelf in front of it. ”We were meaning to weld this shut as well, but lucky for you we haven't yet.”

”What's going on?” Shepard asked.

”I'm not sure.” James rolled his shoulders and sighed tired, ”You'd have to ask Liara, she has been studying all the files and video feeds.”

”Alright,” Shepard said securing his weapon. ”Where is she?”

”Over there in controls, and diagnostics,” James said, pointing out the only door in the room. ”Come on, I'll take you.”

”It's good to see you James,” EDI said, smiling at the Marine.

James smiled back quickly, ”I didn't miss you either, Robot.”

Shepard took in the makeshift barricades, as James led him two rooms down. ”Liara's in there,” he nodded at the room.

”Thanks,” Shepard said lifting his hand to place it on James' shoulder, but changed his mind in the last moment, and let his hand fall.

~*~

”James, the last turret...” Shepard stopped dead, silent. Looking at Kaidan's back as he stood leaned in over a blueprint of the colony. ”James?” Kaidan slowly turned around, unable to hide his surprise as Shepard stood there, like a thief in the shadow. ”Commander?” He said, ”What a – uhm, surprise.”

”Alenko,” Shepard said with a slight nod, trying to ignore how surprised and saddened Kaidan looked. He pocketed his hands in lack of other things to do. ”So, Liara,” he said, avoiding Kaidan's eyes.

”Next room,” Kaidan said.

”Okay,” Shepard said, his shoulders so tense he was amazed he didn't snap a tendon somewhere. ”I should -”

”Go, I know,” Kaidan said, turning around to study the map again. And as soon as Shepard had awkwardly inched past him, he let out the breath he had been holding. ”I am in hell,” he whispered to himself, shaking his head.

”Hey Liara,” Shepard said with a little smile, as he entered the back room.

”Shepard!” Liara cheered, and grabbed Shepard before he could argue, and pulled him in for a hug. ”It's so good to see you!” She held him out in stretched arms and looked him over. ”Are you getting enough sleep?”

”Have I ever?” Shepard grinned with a disarming smile.

”Well,” Liara let go of him, and walked back to her work, ”The Reapers are gone, and Cerberus are nothing but shattered cells.”

”Someone has to keep the cells from merging. Right?” Shepard said, walking over to Liara. ”So what can you tell me?”

Liara opened her mouth to speak, when they heard a bone chilling scream, and Kaidan that yelled, ”Did you weld that last door James? You were supposed to...Never mind, get back!”

Shepard came running out of the back room, only to see the the feet of the injured soldier disappear up into the ceiling before anyone had had time to draw their guns. ”EDI?” He gasped, EDI lay decapitated on the hallway floor. All around him people seemed to jolt into action, someone slamming a metal plate to the hole in the ceiling, welding it. And someone running past him, he assumed to check the perimeter and weld that door they came in through. ”EDI, speak to me!” Shepard knelt next to EDI's unresponsive metal body, ”Say something EDI.”

”Shepard,” Garrus placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

”Yeah.” Shepard nodded, turning on his omnitool, ”Normandy, this is Shepard, come in Normandy...Joker?” But he was greeted with silence. He looked up at Garrus, ”Too much environmental interference, I can't raise the Normandy.”

”Makes sense,” Garrus nodded. ”What about the colony com link?”

Shepard turned to Kaidan, ”How many are you?”

Kaidan sighed and leaned against a table, ”Me, James, Liara and two more. But one probably won't make it through the night.”

”And the Colonists?” Shepard asked.

”Presumed dead,” Kaidan said, staring at Shepard puzzled, ”Didn't you receive my distress call? Isn't that why you're here?”

”We did.” Shepard stood, stepping over EDI's leg, ”But it was so mangled we couldn't hear a word you said.”

”Goddammit!” James growled.

”So you came in blind?” Kaidan asked.

”Pretty much,” Shepard sighed. ”Alright, we can squeeze into the shuttle all of us, no problem.” He looked at Garrus, ”Would you raise the pilot?”

James asked, crossing his arms over his chest, ”Why would you be able to raise him, when you can't raise the Normandy, Commander?”

”Because,” Shepard looked up at Garrus in a moments horror, ”Because we left him out on the landing pad.”

”You did what?” Liara asked horrified.

”We didn't know!” Shepard argued, ”We thought it was a question of an electric storm, or I don't know...But we didn't think.”

”You never do!” Kaidan suddenly yelled, ”You just thought you could waltz in here and 'save' us, didn't you?” He narrowed his eyes and stared at Shepard, ”If it had been that easy, don't you think we would have taken care of it ourselves?” Kaidan huffed, and shook his head, ”Come on, we should hurry up and get the hell out of here.” He brushed past Shepard, shouldering him on purpose as he did.

Shepard looked up at Garrus, ”When we get out of here, we are dropping him off at the nearest civilized space port.”

~*~

The sun was dim and just about to set, when they all stood on the landing pad near the Normandy shuttle. Shepard looked at Kaidan, and then stepped towards the shuttle, ”Shepard to shuttle,” he called, but there was no answer. He went all the way up to the doors, banged the hull, but no answer.

”Maybe he went for a piss?” James suggested.

”And left the door locked from the inside?” Garrus asked, staring at James.

”Could someone get the door?” Shepard asked, not surprised to see Kaidan step up beside him work his magic on the fail-safe locking mechanism.

”There,” Kaidan said, stepping away from the door as it opened.

Shepard stepped inside, gun raised. ”Morri-” He stopped in his tracks and stared at the mangled scene in the cockpit. ”How the...?”

Kaidan came to stand next to him. ”Maybe he really did step out to piss, and something got in here with him?”

Shepard whispered, ”If it was here, then where is it now?” Turning around swiftly he aimed into the darkness of the crew seats. None of them hardly dared to breathe, just listening to the wind howling, and the static of dying electronics.

”Hey, what's taking so long?” Garrus asked from the open door.

Shepard turned his head to see who spoke, and in the second he did it, he knew it was a bad call. ”Shep -” Kaidan called, but was cut off as something which was quick as lightning and black as night, shot out of the shadows, and took a stab at Shepard. Kaidan reacted on pure instinct and pushed Shepard back. Caught off guard, Shepard stumbled and fell flailing towards what was left of the pilot. In the same moment Garrus took a blind shot in the dark, hitting the thing, which made a mad dash for the exit.

Kaidan hardly noticed that it was Shepard groaning in pain, under the gunfire. He turned to look down, and saw Shepard sprawled in a pool of blood, he knew it was not his, but he could see a long angry cut across his chest and his neck where blood seeped out between Shepard's fingers. ”Shit,” Kaidan gasped, and with trained ease, hauled Shepard to his feet, and outside.

”What the hell is that thing?” Garrus asked, kicking the dead thing that had been in the shuttle.

”I have no idea,” James sighed, ”But they are fucking good at what they do. They managed to wipe this entire colony out in less than a month.”

”Some form of Rachni?” Garrus asked.

”Could be, maybe they mutated during the indoctrination?” James agreed, and then shook his head. ”Nah, those fellas have been around here longer than that.”

Garrus sighed, ”So just an old fashioned mutation, or maybe a whole new thing we never saw before.”

”Protocol says that we should bring a specimen back to study,” Liara said with a tiny voice, ”But I'm not sure that is wise.”

”Someone will have to look at the shuttle and see how bad the damage is,” Kaidan huffed, holding a weak kneed Shepard up. ”James get the Commander back to the lab. Liara, you go with him.”

James dutifully took over Shepard, and started to lead him back towards the main gate.

~*~

”Alright,” Liara said, ”You have to take your hand away if I am to clean that wound.”

Shepard hesitated for a second, but then took his hand away, feeling the sickly feeling of blood run slowly down his neck.

”I'll be quick,” Liara said, starting to bandage the wound. ”I'm sorry, Shepard.”

”For what?” Shepard asked softly.

”That you are stuck here with us.” Liara answered, ”There.” She took a step back, ”Take off the breastplate.”

Shepard obediently removed his breastplate with automatic, stoic moves. Looking away from Liara as she looked at the thin fabric he had under his uniform. It was torn as the thing's tail had ripped through the armor, like a sword, but there was no blood to speak of.

”How?” Liara whispered mostly to herself as she prodded the damaged skin.

”Because I am more machine than real,” Shepard whispered with a frown.

”That is not true,” Liara said looking up at Shepard in alarm.

”Is it now,” Shepard huffed, his shoulder slumping.

”You are you,” Liara answered, placing a hand on Shepard's cheek. ”Maybe it didn't cut so deep.”

”Just patch it up,” Shepard sighed.

”Want me to use the stabler?” Liara asked angrily.

”If you want to,” Shepard answered, looking straight at her.

”You are horrible,” She groused, but reached for clean bandage.

”I know,” Shepard said with a little smile, ”So what can you tell me anything about those things? What are they?”

”They are,” Liara said, focused on her task, ”I am not sure what they are, the scientists here were leaning towards them being a mutation of Rachni. Xeno's they'd call them.” She looked up at Shepard's steel blue eyes for a moment, wondering if she really saw red specks in them or what. ”Everything points to them being a part of natural selection, they are the only living thing that naturally inhabits this planet.”

”So they are unique?” Shepard asked, ”Hey wait, are you saying what I think you are? That this is what the Ranchi would eventually have become, if the Reapers had not come?”

”Not sure, maybe they have been around more than just one cycle.” Liara shrugged, ”But what I can deduct from the scientists notes here, is that this is unchecked evolution.” She patted him on the shoulder to signal that she was done. ”Are they unique? You traveled most of the known universe, including the fringes, have you seen anything like them?”

”No.” Shepard looked down at his chest, sighing at the long tear in his under suit. ”They must be organic, but I have never seen anything organic rip through armor like that.”

”They are magnificent Shepard. Made for killing,” Liara said, walking over to the working computer, pushing the screen till Shepard could see a 4d version of what looked like some weird mix between a Rachni and a regular ant. ”Meet the Xeno,” she said. ”Their tails are made for more than keeping balance, it is also a sharp spear-like weapon, used to stab and slash their opponent.” She pointed to the head, ”Their skulls are hard as metal, and their double set of jaws gives them longer reach with a bite.”

”Wait... it has a second mouth, inside it's mouth?”

”Indeed,” Liara said. ”They can also crawl on almost vertical surfaces, and jump much further than you'd expect. But as far as their research went, I believe they are mostly blind, or maybe completely blind, and like bats or snakes rely on heart, heartbeat or maybe movement?”

Shepard nodded, ”Sounds... crazy.”

”I haven't told you the worst yet. Their blood is mostly like hydrosulphuric acid composition of some sorts, so it's deadly to you or me. It will even eat through any armor or metal.” Liara took a step back, studying the 4d Xeno warrior, ”Magnificent creature really. Shame they are hostile. I wish Mordin could have seen this.”

”Are you kidding? We would never get off this rock, cause he'd run tests on everything. Or better yet, make us go down and harvest some tissue, or worse, a live specimen.” Shepard sighed, covering over that he wished Mordin was here as well.

”You're right.” Liara smiled, shutting down the Xeno demonstration. ”Look Shepard, you really should get some sleep. We can't work at night anyway.”

Shepard laid down on the cot and watched as Liara brought him a military standard issue blanket. ”Thanks,” he mumbled, already half asleep. He wasn't even aware that he had been this tired. And the sound of beeping machines and Liara shuffling about was oddly comforting.


	2. Why you and not me?

He woke in the orange glow of the nightlights, sat up and ran a hand over his head. His mouth felt like cotton, must be some side effect of whatever Liara had given him for the pain. He swung his legs out over the edge and walked with a yawn out into the main control room. He went for a bottle of water and took a sip, sighing happily. 

”Can't sleep?” Kaidan asked. 

Shepard smiled at the sound of the question, it sounded oddly domestic and reminded him of happier times, of Kaidan's cooking, strong coffee and too many bad movies on the couch. ”I was thirsty,” he answered with a yawn more. He didn't need to turn around to know the look Kaidan gave him. ”I'll be out of your way,” Shepard mumbled, and put down the water bottle. 

”John?” Kaidan said, looking up from the array of circuits and blueprints, ”I shouldn't have yelled at you.” 

Shepard turned around and looked up at Kaidan, ”You were right.” He said softly, ”I did think I could just swoop down here and save you all.” He shrugged and took a step towards Kaidan's worktable, ”Guess the joke's on me.” 

”This whole place is a joke,” Kaidan sighed.

”We'll get to the Normandy somehow,” Shepard said softly, coming to stand behind Kaidan, looking down at the burned circuits and spare parts on the table. ”The navigation unit from the shuttle?” 

”Some of it.” Kaidan said, ”The salvageable parts, I think we're gonna have to scavenge some from the colony shuttles, maybe they have some intact components.” 

Shepard hesitated for a moment but then stepped away again, ”I'm gonna...” 

”Hey, Shepard,” Kaidan said softly, ”We, uhm... we used to be friends, right?” 

Shepard stopped dead in his tracks, and nodded, ”Yes.” Slowly turning around to look at Kaidan at the table, bathed in the only real light in the room. ”What brought this on?” 

”Nothing really...” Kaidan shrugged, ”Just wanted to know if I could still count on you.” He paused, ”We're good, right?” 

”Sure Kaidan.” Shepard said smiling a little bloodless, sad smile, ”We're good.” 

”Great,” Kaidan quipped as he focused on the mechanics again. 

Shepard just stood there, and for an insane moment he just wanted to go and lay his head in Kaidan's lap, being grounded by a soft hand on his cheek. But he didn't, and it was not like he didn't know that he'd eventually run into Kaidan, but it was still much harder than he thought. ”On second thought,” Shepard said, ”I can't sleep, so uhm, want some coffee?” 

Kaidan looked up, conflicted. ”Coffee sounds good,” he said.

”Coming up,” Shepard said as he made his way to the makeshift kitchenette. Whatever possessed him to spend time in Kaidan's company, maybe it was some sort of fucked up penance? Or, sophisticated torture on one self. He stirred the coffee granulate in both cups and went back to Kaidan. He placed one cup at Kaidan's left, ”Here you go.” 

Kaidan looked at it, and carefully took a sip. He looked up at Shepard with a oddly shy expression, now wanting to ask how he remembered how he liked his coffee. But he did, and it was perfect. ”So...” Kaidan said putting the cup down again.

”So,” Shepard said, sipping his coffee, feeling much more confident with something between his hands, for some strange reason. ”If I can give you the spare parts, you think you can fix it?” 

”Yeah,” Kaidan said with a nod, ”I can put together a list of what you need to find.” 

”Sure,” Shepard nodded. ”Does James know where the colony shuttles are? Cause then I could just go with him.” 

”He does,” Kaidan said, ”But I'm not sure if he would want to take you there. Sorry Shepard, but that's the truth.” 

”Oh,” Shepard nodded. ”Well, maybe it's best that you give the list to him then,” he smiled awkwardly. 

”I had to talk to someone,” Kaidan suddenly said, not looking at Shepard, running a finger around absentmindedly on the brim of the cup. ”And, James was that someone. He's a really good listener, you know.” 

”Sure,” Shepard said again. He was slightly puzzled that James and Kaidan had grown close, he was so sure that they couldn't stand each other. Apparently things change when alliances shift. ”I'll find something else to do around here. Like overlook Garrus calibrating something.” He smiled, hoping that his lame joke would punch a hole through the dense atmosphere in the room.

”Okay, I'll give the list to him.” Kaidan said softly, not taking the bait. He could hardly deal with looking at Shepard at all, and when he did, he could hear his mothers voice repeating in his ear, 'once fooled, shame on you, twice fooled, shame on me'. It would be so easy to just give in to Shepard's awkward attempt of making light of things, and pretending they were friends, like before. If twice fooled is shame on me, then what is thrice fooled? Kaidan thought to himself. 

”You look tired,” Shepard said walking a step closer to Kaidan and into the light once more. ”Maybe you should rest. Garrus can look at that navigation puzzle in the morning.” 

”I'm fine,” Kaidan said, taking another sip of his coffee in defiance.

”You say that, but I know you better. You're exhausted,” Shepard said, realizing the second he had said it, that the cat was out of the bag. He had touched down on 'which shall not be mentioned'. 

”Touching,” Kaidan growled, frowning. 

”Go sleep an hour or two on the cot in there,” He nodded to the room where Liara had set up. ”I can't sleep, so I don't need it.” 

”I'm fine,” Kaidan said again, this time his voice was dripping with anger.

”If you say so,” Shepard said with a defeated sigh. This was not what he had wanted, to walk in here and end up in another stupid argument with Kaidan. He had wanted to talk to him, maybe have a laugh. It wasn't like he thought they could be tight, or that it would be like old days, but maybe they could make the best of the situation? There was no point in confessing how sorry he was, and how much he missed Kaidan, and how much he found that he needed the dream of the future. Their dream. A dream that he had efficiently destroyed, just like everything else around him, all because of him. How could he ever make Kaidan understand what it had done to him to meet his clone? Those last words of his would echo in his head day and night, 'Look at you. What makes you so damn special. Why you and not me?' And no matter how much he had wanted, he couldn't answer that question. He turned to leave the room, only to stop at the door and say, ”This was not how I had wanted this to end up.” 

Kaidan gritted his teeth, and looked over at Shepard, wishing that he didn't feel like he had had his heart ripped out only yesterday. ”Me neither,” he just said. 

”Would it be poor taste to ask you how you are?” Shepard asked softly.

”Yes. Yes it would.” Kaidan said, not even aware that he was speaking before the words had already left his mouth. ”But,” he said quickly composing himself, ”But, I'm fine Shepard. Got my old job back, got to travel the galaxy like old times, only, it's not... old times.” He was rambling wasn't he? Goddammit! He wanted Shepard to think he was okay, and stop asking.

”No, not it's not.” Shepard said looking down at the ground, he took a deep breath and looked up at Kaidan standing there in the middle of the room. ”It,” he said, licking his lips, feeling like his head might burst if he didn't say something, right here, right now. ”For what it's worth, it's good to see you, and get to work together again.” 

”Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, and then dismissed Shepard by returning to his work.

”Kaidan, you're being stubborn.” Shepard said, pocketing his hands, knowing that Kaidan would have to react, he would never willingly let that statement be.

”What?” Kaidan looked up angrily, and this time he actually got up from his chair and walked over towards Shepard in the darkness of the dim orange emergency light. 

Shepard looked straight at Kaidan in what turned out to be a weirdly intimate moment as Kaidan stopped just a meter from him and crossed his arms, glaring at him. Shepard studied his expression. There was anger, sure, but...no, it was more like 'hurt'. ”I said you're being stubborn, you're exhausted. Anyone with a pair of eyes can see that.” He smiled his most friendly smile, ”I mean it. Go sleep in the cot. I'll watch over you-r, your project.” 

”Alright,” Kaidan finally sighed, ”But only for an hour.” 

”Promise,” Shepard said, knowing he was lying. He would let Kaidan sleep for exactly as long as he could get away with. Closing his eyes he could even smell Kaidan's aftershave as he walked past him. Funny how something that mundane made his whole body rebel, and he had to keep himself in check to not reach out for the retreating man.

Kaidan went to the cot and kicked off his boots, feeling like his feet were swollen to double size just from wearing them for days on end. He had slept an hour or two several days ago, but he had not allowed himself the luxury of more than that because they were all looking to him, to fix this. So, he had stayed awake trying to find some way to override the com tower remotely, to see if he could maybe get a mayday out through the strange atmosphere of this planet. He knew that the chances were astronomical, that there was a bigger chance that they would just be reported missing in action before someone with a powerful enough transmitter would come by, out here in the asshole of some backwater galaxy. Apparently, he had succeeded since the Normandy had picked up on it. But, he wasn't sure he envied Shepard the 'Superman' role, how everyone always looked to him to fix their fuckups. 

Laying down, he inhaled the pillow, running a bruised and grimy hand over the soft white cover. It smelled of storage, disinfectant, and Shepard. He closed his eyes and listened to his own breathing in the silent room. God he missed that scent. To his surprise it brought tears to his eyes, remembering all those nights he had laid awake hugging Shepard's pillow, waiting for the man to come home. He was sorta glad that when they had broken it off, he had been the one to leave the apartment. He wasn't sure he would have been able to live there with the ghost of Shepard. Hating himself, he had to admit that he missed him even more now that he was in the next room, than he had for the last year. 

~*~

”Kaidan?” Shepard said softly, shaking Kaidan's shoulder lightly, ”Kaidan it's time to get up.” 

Kaidan smiled in his sleep, ”Not yet,” he mumbled. 

It was insane how badly Shepard wanted to lean down and kiss that smile, but he didn't. ”Kaidan, wake up.” He shook his shoulder again. 

In Kaidan's dreams, he was back in the bed of the Normandy's captains quarters. He heard Shepard just fine, but he wanted nothing more than for him to come back to bed. Maybe, just this time, the world could wait for twenty minutes. ”Come back to bed,” Kaidan mumbled with a smile, and in his dream sat up and held out a hand to Shepard who stood on the floor, fresh from a shower.

Shepard stood next to the cot, with his hand still on Kaidan's shoulder. His chest clenched as he heard Kaidan whisper, clearly still sleeping. Yeah, he would love that, and he should have done that in the past. He should have included Kaidan instead of embarking on his self-pity mission on his own. He just didn't know what to trust any more, when he couldn't even trust himself. And would Kaidan even have understood? Or, would he just have said something like 'you are you, and I love you' without listening to what he said, more bent on burying Shepard's fears than dealing with it. But, he could have tried harder, he should have tried harder to tell Kaidan why he was pushing everyone away. He now knew it was because of 'why you and not me' echoing in his head. Gingerly he brushed his fingers over Kaidan's cheek and buried them in his hair for a moment, it felt like home, and yet so alien. He pulled his hand back. ”Kaidan?” he whispered, almost asking 'where are you? Where are we?' but didn't. 

”Commander,” James said, walking in on Shepard as he tried to wake Kaidan. 

”Maybe you can wake him,” Shepard said. He felt strangely disjointed, like he had lost something special by not being allowed as a natural part of Kaidan's life, but also glad that Kaidan had someone like James to watch his back. ”I'll go get some coffee.” Shepard brushed past James, annoyed at the crushing feeling of loss that wouldn't leave him.

~*~

Kaidan didn't hound Shepard about letting him sleep longer, he knew that he would have done exactly the same in his shoes. On top of that, he couldn't deny that it had done him good to get some rest. The plan for the day was simple, James took three soldiers with him and went in search of navigation parts that were intact, Garrus would look at the turrets and make an assessment of their current ability to defend them selves, and Shepard would take two soldiers and go retrieve what they could from the Normandy shuttle. 

Shepard slammed a magazine into his gun, ”Alright Moore, Evans, keep on your toes, we're supposed to bring back the provisions and spare guns and mags that are at the shuttle, without getting ourselves killed. Alright? Grab a backpack, and check your guns. We move out in ten.” He nodded at the two soldiers who immediately went to work.

”Hey Shepard,” Liara called, ”There's something else, something I didn't tell you yesterday.” 

Shepard looked over at Liara, even Kaidan looked interested at them. ”Yeah? Can you tell me while I get ready?” 

”Sure,” Liara said, cradling a datapad. ”We have seen eggs, not like the Reaper-Rachni eggs, they don't explode, not even when you shoot them. But we aren't really sure what they do. Just be careful, because I think that whatever is inside them is deadly. At least according to the sparse information I have. Seems like someone went to a dig site here, and came back with some sort of thing on his face, and it killed him. Doesn't say why, or how, that part of the file is ruined, but I know he died, because he is listed as one of the first deceased in the personnel files.” 

”So you don't know if that thing killed him?” Shepard asked with a shrug.

”Not for certain, but he died a couple of days after that parasite xeno attacked him.” 

”Well, the baby Reaper-Rachni weren't exactly harmless.” Kaidan shot in, coming to stand next to Liara.

”True,” Liara nodded, ”Look Shepard, all I am saying is; don't underestimate these eggs, okay?” 

”Noted,” Shepard smiled and stuck his gun into it's holster, and checked his shotgun over. ”Twenty shots? That is bad.” He looked over at Kaidan, ”Fifteen in the gun, and five in the shotgun.” 

”Let's hope you don't run into any trouble,” Kaidan said with a little smile.

”I don't run into trouble, trouble runs into me,” Shepard chuckled, and returned Kaidan's smile. ”See you later.” 

”Yeah,” Kaidan said, turning around and walked back to the main command to check in on James' team. 

~*~

Liara waited for a couple of minutes, and then made a cup of coffee and went to look for Garrus. She found him bent over one of the turrets. ”So can you get them to work?” Liara asked casually, offering him the coffee as he turned around.

”Thanks,” Garrus said taking the warm cup. ”Well, collecting all the turret rounds there are, I can arm one, or I could arm two halfway,” he said with a sigh. ”And we'd have to move them, because they need to be in more strategic locations.” 

”I guess you're the right person for that job,” Liara said crossing her arms over her chest. ”It's good to see you, and Shepard. I missed you guys.” 

”I missed you too, Liara,” Garrus said oddly softly. ”I'm sorry it had to be like this, I mean, I couldn't leave Shepard to fend off the universe on his own. Someone has to cover his six, you know.” 

”I know,” Liara agreed, ”And I'm glad it's you.” She pushed off the wall and walked over to Garrus and the turret. ”So how is he? He looks bad, Garrus – real bad.” 

”I know.” Garrus sighed, ”Those cybernetic scars of his have intensified and multiplied. At least he doesn't drink as much as he used to.” 

Liara sighed too, ”I still can't make sense of it, Shepard was larger than life, and what is left of him is nothing but the shell. He was supposed to sit back and harvest from his hard work and all his sacrifice, not take on more suicidal missions and – Why is that Garrus?” 

”Not sure,” Garrus shrugged taking a sip of the coffee that Liara brought. ”We don't exactly talk about our feelings very often.” 

”Maybe he is just molded by war, and doesn't know how to do anything but fight.” Liara suggested softly.

”No,” Garrus said, ”He had big dreams for when the Reaper war was over. I had expected to be invited to a wedding, not to be asked to roam the universe looking for Cerberus cells.” 

”You and me both,” Liara admitted, ”Expected a wedding, not a mission I mean. Wonder what happened.” 

”Shepard is...” Garrus stepped closer to Liara, lowering his voice to a whisper, ”He's not the same. You remember what he was like, he made it his business to know everyone’s business, getting to know every crew member, asking how their family was doing, and genuinely caring, right?” Garrus closed his eyes and sighed, ”Truth is that he don't even know who is on his crew any more. He hardly steps out of the captains cabin for anything but to bark orders. He completely isolated himself from everyone, even me, Joker and EDI. I swear if I didn't know any better I'd believe he had some sort of breakdown, mid-life crisis or something.” 

”PTSD?” Liara asked worried.

”Don't know,” Garrus answered honestly. ”He is not talking about it, that is for sure. Joker tried to ask him about Kaidan, but that didn't end well. Shepard pulled rank on him, for real. Almost kicked him off the team.” 

”Wow...” Liara mumbled, ”Kaidan is tight lipped, but not to that extent. He just sorta reminds me of the man I first met, the professional by the book guy, who lives and breathes for his job.” 

”Tell you what Liara, best we can hope for is for them to work as a team, and get us all off this damn rock.” He put down his empty cup, ”And when we're all back on the Normandy, I will be the first to slap them both.” 

Liara laughed softly, ”I'll help you.” 

”Knew you would.” Garrus chuckled.

~*~

John Shepard, Rita Evans and Jack Moore, slowly made their way to the abandoned shuttle, through the harsh winds. ”Exactly what are we looking for, Commander?” Evans asked.

”Supplies,” Shepard said, ”But mostly weapons and ammunition.” 

”What about the armory then?” Moore asked.

Shepard stopped, shielding his eyes from the wind, ”This rock was supposed to be dead, as in, no plants, no animals – no life. So, there was no reason to bring weapons here. It would just stand a much bigger chance of the colonists suffering from isolation crazies and start to shoot each other.” 

”Yeah, I see that.” Moore said, ”But there could be some invading force Commander, what about pirates?” 

Shepard winced, ”Well, there is always the risk, but, if pirates hit, the colonists wouldn't have stood a chance anyway. They weren't soldiers, they were terraformers, space farmers.” 

”Surely, a terraformer with a gun would stand a better chance against pirates, than one without a gun, Commander.” Evans said, not sure how to interpret the expression of the Commander as she spoke.

”No, they wouldn't Evans,” Shepard replied, ”Believe me, I know.” And with that he turned his back to the two soldiers and started walking towards the navigation point where the shuttle was. ”Command, I have a visual,” he called.

”Good, I see it too,” Kaidan answered from command, through the static. ”And Shepard? Be careful.” 

”Roger,” Shepard said, squirming lightly. ”I will. You too. Shepard out.” He added in a softer, less professional tone, which made Evans and Moore look at each other with raised brows. 

”Who the hell would wanna colonize this shithole anyway?” Evans muttered.

”Anyone who wanted the money enough for it.” Moore answered. ”Besides I think they were just about to stay for long enough to get that climate plant working.” 

”Cut the chatter,” Shepard barked, ”Turn on your flashlights, this storm is getting worse.”

”Permission to speak,” Evans said.

”Granted. What is it Evans?” Shepard sighed.

”These storms, could that be the atmosphere plant falling apart? 'Cause Patricia Bell from the first team said that it was failing,” Evans said.

”Could be,” Shepard said, ”But, that is none of your concern soldier.” 

”It bloody well is my concern if we are sitting on top of a huge ass nuclear bomb ready to go off and rip this rock in half, Sir,” Evans argued hotly.

”Enough!” Shepard yelled, turning around to look at the two frightened soldiers. He mellowed a little, remembering vaguely how freaked out he had been on his first life or death mission. ”Look, we'll be well gone before that happens, okay? Now fall in line and act like fucking soldiers, not scared little kids.” He turned around and walked closer to the shuttle. He held up his hand to stop the two others while he slowly made it inside the open door, had the door been open when they left it? ”Command?” He called, for a moment thinking that the storm messed with the short range communication as well. 

”Come in Shepard,” he heard with a lot of static. 

”Did we leave the door to the shuttle open when we left yesterday? Advice, Command.” 

”No, we didn't.” Kaidan answered. ”Be careful.” 

”Are you telling me these fucking overgrown ants, know how to open doors?” Shepard asked, still slowly making his way into the hull. 

”Don't know,” Kaidan answered truthfully. 

”What the bloody hell is that?” Evan's yelled, ”Commander you should see this!” 

”Where, Evans?” Shepard asked, not moving out of the spot, searching the hull with his flashlight, not seeing anything out of the ordinary.

”Cockpit, Sir!” Evans called from outside. 

Shepard turned slowly, aiming his light at the two fleshy looking eggs there. ”What the fuck?” he gasped, ”What the fuck is that? Advice, Command.” When no answer came he called down into his intercom, ”Kaidan, are you seeing this shit?” 

”I am,” Kaidan answered, the signal so weak now that Shepard had to focus on the words. ”There is a lot of static.” 

”Are those the eggs that Liara talked about?” Shepard asked.

”Yes,” Kaidan said, ”Stay clear of them for now.” 

Shepard inched closer against Kaidan's advice. ”Looks like we're in the clear, Command. They seem to have hatched. No sign of the hatchlings, assessment is that they scurried away. Assuming primary mission.” 

”James and his team walked into a world of trouble down at the hangar, so watch your back,” Kaidan said. The microphone clicked on again, but only silence made it to Shepard. He was left to guess what Kaidan's words would have been, but he already knew. 'Come back in one piece, and that's an order', like Kaidan had said so many times before.

”Come on in,” Shepard yelled to the two others, ”It's clean. Grab what you can, and lets get the fuck out of here.” 

Moore and Evans entered into the shuttle, shouldered their rifles and started to look through the lockers and fill their sacks. ”Evans!” More whispered, ”I think I saw something move.” He turned around, ”Commander, are you sure that it's clean?” 

”Well, something hatched from those eggs, so I suppose something could be in here, hiding. But odds are that the hatchlings left in search for food,” Shepard said. He opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off by a lightening fast, flurry motion of something shooting across the shuttle floor, knocking Evans over. 

”Evans!” Moore yelled. ”Rita!” 

Shepard dropped everything and came rushing to Evan's side. ”What the hell?” He mumbled, studying the spiderlike thing that was secured on Evan's face, it's tail around her neck. 

Shepard tried to pry off one of it's legs, but it only resulted in it coiling harder around Evan's throat. ”Stop!” Moore yelled, ”It's choking her!” 

”Command, we're coming back now, Evans is down and we need Liara to come meet us, 'cause...honestly, I have no idea what the hell this is,” Shepard said into his radio.

”Did you encounter hostiles as well?” Kaidan asked.

”No, I think it's one of the hatchlings.” Shepard said, ”Look,” he turned his head so Kaidan could see the scene on the floor. ”It's attached to her face, and we can't get it off.” 

”Come back,” Kaidan said, wishing his voice didn't sound so desperate, hoping the static would mask it.

”Affirmative,” Shepard said. He turned to Moore who was pacing the floor in panic. ”Moore, you take yours and Evans' bag, and keep up.” Shepard picked up Evans and pulled her outside along with his own bag. ”Did you clean out the last lockers?” He asked.

”Ye-yes sir.” Moore said visibly shaken. 

Shepard swung Evans over his shoulder, and picked up the bag, ”Move out. Doubletime!” He called over the wind, and walked as fast as he could with Evans' extra weight.

They returned to the communications center, met with wounded and Liara attempting to patch them up best she could. ”Liara!” Shepard yelled, ”I need you!” 

”Just a moment, just put her in there,” Liara said, pointing towards the back room.


	3. And then, silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading =)

Once the worst of the injured soldiers had been tended to, Liara had examined Evans, learning what Shepard already knew - when they tried to pull the thing off with force, it choked it's victim even more. Shepard was in the main command center with Garrus and Kaidan trying to sort through what they bought back from their mission. It wasn't much, but more than before. When Liara joined them, Shepard stopped counting bullets in the magazines and turned to her, ”So?”

”There is no way of getting that parasite off,” she sighed. ”If I continue to try, she will die.” She looked Shepard directly into his eyes, ”That other soldier that came back with you, is still in there. He seems upset.” 

”Moore,” Shepard stated.

”There is nothing I can do for Evans, but maybe you could, I don't know... maybe look in on Moore then? Bring him some food, and tell him I will be back later to check on her vitals,” Liara said, resisting the urge to acknowledge Garrus expression behind Shepard.

”Uhm, sure.” Shepard said, gently placing the magazine in his hand back on the table. ”But I don't think I'm what he needs right now.” 

”I think you are exactly what he needs,” Garrus said behind Shepard.

”Alright.” Shepard sighed, ”If you think so.” Leaving the table, he said over shoulder, ”Eighty-two hollow points”.

~*~

”Moore?” He asked softly as he walked into the dimly lit room. ”I have some food for you, and... yeah, I have food.” 

”Thanks, Commander,” Moore said with a tired smile. ”I appreciate the thought.” 

”You're welcome,” Shepard said squirming slightly, knowing it had not been his idea, by a long shot. ”You, uh wanna go somewhere quiet and have your food? I can watch over her if you want it.” 

”It's fine. Thank you, Commander,” Moore said, letting go of Evans' hand to take the plastic fork and dig into the can of cold food.

”I should have checked the back better,” Shepard admitted, ”That shouldn't have happened.” 

”You had no way of knowing that this would happen, Sir.” Moore said between mouthful of food.

”Guess not, I just still feel responsible,” Shepard said, and then walked over to the other side and gently took Evans' hand. ”It hasn't killed her, so maybe everything will be alright?” He recognized that haunted expression in Moore's eyes, Evans was more than just a member of the team. ”Is she your girlfriend? If you don't mind me asking.” 

Moore sighed and his shoulders slumped a little, he nodded. ”She wanted to serve the rest of her tour under the great commander Shepard, and I followed. No one was supposed to know, we know that fraternizing is frowned upon with the Alliance, and...” Moore choked up a little. ”We were supposed to get married you know, maybe even have a child and... we had an apartment all picked out, my mother was gonna lend us some money and... Sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that, Sir.” 

”My name is John,” Shepard said. ”And it sounds like you guys have it all planned out.” He smiled sadly, ”Congratulations.” 

”Jack,” Moore said, ”I'm Jack.” He looked up at Shepard and mirrored the sad smile, ”What if that thing never comes off her? Then what?” 

”You're both soldiers...” Shepard started and then stopped himself. ”Look Jack,” he came around the bed and crouched in front of Jack Moore who sat in a chair besides the bed. ”I look forward to the wedding invitation, I promise to be there with bells on.” 

Moore chuckled a little, ”Thank you, Sir. Eh, John.” 

”Liara will be in to check on you guys in a little while, okay?” Shepard said standing to exit the room, turning around to watch Moore holding Evans' hand. Bile rose in his mouth, making him ill to the point where he wanted to vomit and never stop. He felt like he had just lied to a dying man. Fuck this place, fuck this mission. He needed a drink, bad!

He looked up at Kaidan who was now alone by the table, counting bottles of water. ”How's James?” Shepard asked.

”Ask Liara,” Kaidan shot back.

”I thought you would know, you guys seem to be close,” Shepard said, trying to keep his childish bitterness out of his voice.

”Why would you care?” Kaidan said, looking up at Shepard. His brown eyes steel hard.

”You're right. I don't,” Shepard said with a frown, ”Forget I asked.” 

”He's fine,” Kaidan said, returning to the task of sorting bottles, ”What about your neck?”

”I...” Shepard held a hand up to his neck and stared at the red fingertips as he removed his hand from the bandage, ”Guess it reopened.” 

”Liara is busy, but I can redress it for you,” Kaidan said, staring up at Shepard with a challenge written all over his features. 

”Alright,” Shepard said, ”Where do you want me?” 

”That chair,” Kaidan pointed to a chair against the table, ”Hang on, I'll be back with fresh bandage.” 

Shepard seated himself in the chair, and waited. Moore's words ran around in his head, pulling him so deep in his own thoughts he literally jumped when Kaidan placed a hand on his shoulder. 

”What's troubling you?” Kaidan asked casually, carefully peeling off the bled through bandage. ”Ouch, that is deep.” 

”Moore and Evans,” Shepard said, ”He is only here because she wanted to serve on the Normandy, and they have wedding plans, and wanted to start a family and... Guess I just feel sorry for the guy, that's all.” 

”Well, they're both soldiers,” Kaidan replied drily.

Shepard didn't listen, but just continued, ”And this place, this mission, James, and...uhm...” He paused, ”-Us.” 

”There is no us, Shepard,” Kaidan said, but contrary to his harsh words, he gently applied the antibacterial gel to the wound.

”I know,” Shepard said.

”I don't want to hear excuses,” Kaidan stated.

”I was not about to give you one,” Shepard whispered, and then after a moments silence asked, ”Remember when we were friends?” 

”I do,” Kaidan said, most of his attention focused on wrapping the wound.

”I miss that,” Shepard said softly.

”No, you don't,” Kaidan replied shaking his head a little. He patted Shepard's shoulder, ”There you are, good as new.”

Shepard let out a bitter sound somewhere between a huff and a laugh. 

”This isn't working,” Kaidan said, mostly to himself. ”I'm gonna go check on the wounded and see if Liara needs anything.” He turned to leave the main control room.

”You do that,” Shepard said, closing his eyes, listening to Kaidan's exiting footsteps. A part of him wanted to be angry, mostly at himself, that it hurt when Kaidan wouldn't even hear what he had to say. It shouldn't hurt like that. Angry that he let the clone gain so much power over his mind, that it would matter this much. And he was sad that that he just didn't know how to put that into words for Kaidan, and sad that he had not ever tried. How could he explain that those few words had shaken his belief in himself to the core. 

At the time it happened, he had not minded all that much, it had been weird to stand there face to face with yourself, or what he had thought was a clone. A badly made replica or himself. As the clone had said, produced as a fail safe, should the real Shepard need spare parts. Shepard had fully expected to die in the Reaper war, never in a million years had he thought he would end up like the confused mess he was. 

He had been remade for a purpose, Miranda had not been subtle about that either. It was not because of his baby blues that the Illusive man had resurrected him. Except when Shepard thought of it, it was not like he had just breathed life into the old body, into Shepard who had died crashing through the atmosphere of Alchera with debris of the SSV Normandy. He had re-built him, used his DNA extracted from the frozen corpse, and used whatever tissue that was not too badly damaged. That is what he knew, what he had been able to find about project Lazarus. But what tissue? And how much of him was grown artificially with nothing but his DNA? This was exactly the same as the clone. True, he had the real Shepard's memory, but that could have been remade, that could have been masterly fixed so he wouldn't even notice his own memory lapses. 

Maybe he had something like Keiji, a greybox. He didn't know, but the clone's question wouldn't leave him alone, because why him indeed? What had set him apart from the clone? And how many clones had they made from the original Shepard? Was he a clone too? Maybe he was just the next in line to be defrosted and told he was Shepard. He had no more right to call himself Shepard than the clone had, because after all, he was just as much Shepard as he. ”Fuck,” Shepard groaned and rested his head in his hands. All this had shattered his perception of reality. He had not questioned Kaidan's love, or tested him in any way, he had just lost faith in himself, and with that the ability to love someone. He felt like an imposter, like a 4d VI, one with emotional response. And how could anyone love something like that? How could something like that love anyone? 

Simple answer, it couldn't. When he was killing things, it made him feel better, made him feel alive, and killing didn't force him to ponder over life's big questions. Going about everyday business with Kaidan had been downright destructive, and yes, he regretted that he had never confided in Kaidan. That he had never told him that he felt like a cheap copy, pretending to live Shepard's life. Kaidan would most likely have said the same as he had in the research facility back then, that he was real enough to him, and leave it at that. Problem was that it was not done with that, he loved Kaidan, but it was just not enough.

Even EDI knew her purpose, he didn't. He had been sculpted for war, because that was what he was good at. And what good did it do him that he loved Kaidan so much he wondered daily what someone like that saw in him, waiting for the penny to drop. All the while, he felt like he was made up of circuits, chips and wires. 

^*^

The next morning, to Shepard's surprise, Moore came out to eat breakfast with Evans. He figured Liara must have worked out some way to remove the parasite, and Evans looked ashen and tired, but otherwise fine. Moore was beaming, and instead of making Shepard happy, it just made him weary. People around him were chatting, laughing, bitching about the food, and just being themselves. It seemed like any other morning, on any other mission. Shepard emptied his coffee and got up to get on with the work he had left behind last night. ”Hey, Shepard,” Liara said softly, placing a hand on his arm to make him stand still, ”What’s with you?” 

”Nothing,” Shepard turned to look at Liara, he smiled a little remembering that once she had looked at him with awe in her eyes, her smile soft and seductive. But now there was nothing but friendly concern, and pity in her expression. Shepard turned his head, he hated to be reminded of how his chaos inside had manifested on the outside. ”I got work to do,” he offered lamely, and freed himself of Liara's hand, walking straight towards the door to the far end of their hold up. 

He picked up a metal plate, which was meant to go onto the reinforcement to the doors. It was grunt work, but he didn't mind, all Shepard cared about was keeping busy and avoiding Kaidan and James as much as he possible could. He had placed the plate against the door when he heard a scream, and not just one of those 'surprised' screams, but one that told a story of fear, pain and death. He didn't think twice, and spun around on his heels, sprinting back to the main communications center, the only thing that went through his head was 'Kaidan'.

What met him on the other hand, was a goddamn bloodbath. There was blood everywhere, and Kaidan stood with a stupefied expression, his body still flickering with dark blue. ”What the...?” 

”It just came out of her chest,” Liara whispered, deadly pale. ”Broke through, burst, maybe...I...” 

Shepard placed a warm hand on Liara's shoulder. ”Where is it?” Shepard asked looking around. 

”There,” Kaidan pointed to the far corner of the room, ”I think it's dead.” He shook his head like he was shaking off the shock of what just happened and walked over to the corner to retrieve the thing that cracked through Rita Evans' chest. ”It's a...snake?” Kaidan said and studied it in his hand, ”With tiny legs...I, I just don't know.” 

”A baby Xeno?” Liara asked, also jolting into action now that she felt something touched down on her expertise. ”Let me see that Kaidan.” 

Shepard just stood in the confusion, and turned to Evans' copse still on the table. He looked up and to his surprise looked directly into the intelligent gaze of James. ”Come on,” Shepard said, ”Let's move her.” 

James nodded and took a step towards Evans and Shepard. He came to a full stop however when he heard a voice yell, ”STOP! Don't you touch her!” 

Shepard stopped too and looked up at Moore who held a service gun aimed at him, and shifted to James and back again. ”Moore, Jack...we're just taking her to the back room.” He smiled in a way what he hoped would be friendly, but it felt like a fake stretch of his lips. 

”Do. Not. Touch. Her!” Moore said again, making everyone in the room freeze and stare at the new scene unfolding. ”It's all your fault! All your goddamn war propaganda and bullshit about doing the right thing for the Alliance! She bought it! Hook, line and sinker! And now she is dead! All because she believed in the words of the 'great' Commander Shepard!” Moore yelled, his eyes wild, and spit spraying as he spoke. But his hands did not tremble, not once.

”Moore, put down the gun.” Kaidan said somewhere behind Shepard. ”This is not Shepard's fault. Evans was a grown woman, and she came here with her own free will.” 

”She believed the holos,” Moore whined, ”She didn't see you like I do. You are nothing but a puppet! An elevated, evolved robot, that is what you are! You are unnatural!” He aimed solely at Shepard, ”We all see it!” 

Shepard knew he had to stay sharp here, but Moores' words cut deep. He was just about to agree, when he heard Kaidan again, ”Still, he saved your ass more than once, Soldier! I am warning you one last time, put that gun away!” 

”Want me to take him out Shepard?” Garrus asked calmly somewhere behind as well.

”No,” Shepard said, ”Not yet.” He took a step towards Evans' corpse, ”Now, I am going to take her to the back room, and you are not going to stop me.” 

”Touch her and die.” Moore hissed, stepping closer to Shepard. 

”Loco.” James said warning, reaching for Shepard's shoulder to stop him.

”You hurt, Moore, we get it. But this is not the answer.” Shepard said, staring directly at Moore and the barrel of the gun. ”If you don't put that gun away, this will only have one outcome, and you won't like it.” 

”She was wrong,” Moore said with a soft voice, ”You are all wrong!” He yelled with a steady tone, ”The commander doesn't bring peace, he only brings death. Nothing but suffering in his wake!” He licked his lips, ”The Alliance covers it up, he is their golden boy, the best of the best.” He swiftly changed the aim of his gun to his own chin, ”You should have died long ago.” And then he pulled the trigger spraying the wall behind him with blood, bone fragments and brain matter.

No one moved for a moment, until Shepard took another step and picked up Evans and silently carried her off towards the back room 

Kaidan looked over at James who shook his head, but Kaidan turned his head and looked at Shepard's back. 

~*~

After he had placed Evans, he went back to get Moore, most people had exited the room, and only Kaidan and another soldier remained, trying to get the blood off. He didn't look at them, just picked up Moore and carried him to lay at his wife to be's side. ”Fuck.” Was the only thing that came to mind, and it wasn't really the most heartfelt epitaph anyone could have. But that was what he could give, and so he left and let the door close shut behind him. 

”Is the navigation ready?” He asked Kaidan.

Kaidan looked up at Shepard, ”Yes.” He put down the wet cloth and wiped his hands in his pants. ”There is a huge but, though. Someone needs to re-attach it to the shuttle.” He knew Shepard too well and added, ”No you can't do it, it has to be someone who knows more about electronics than you.” 

”Like?” 

”Like me or Garrus,” Kaidan stated. ”But a solo mission is a suicide mission, and with all the wounded we can't afford a single death more.” He stretched his back and walked over to the other table with all the blueprints and plans on it.

Shepard followed, ”What if everyone just packed up and went to the shuttle? Then no one would have to get from here to there. And you could load the wounded straight away before the Xenos became aware of you.” 

”Sound advise,” Kaidan rubbed his chin, ”I think you might be right. There would be no way to get all the wounded there without risking that the shuttle was destroyed again.” 

”Exactly.” Shepard said, looking down at the newly wired dashboard for the shuttle, which sat on the table. ”Sure it's gonna work?” 

”Please,” Kaidan rolled his eyes, ”Of course it'll work.” He sassed with a little gesture of his hand that made Shepard chuckle despite the severity of the discussion. Kaidan looked at Shepard with a smile, not aware that he had missed his laugh like he had. They used to laugh, a long, long time ago. ”John, what he said, you know that isn't true. Right?” 

Shepard's smile died on his lips, ”Yeah.” 

”You don't believe that?” 

”You know Kaidan, I regret a lot of things, I regret getting Tali killed, being responsible for every Quarian meeting their death. I regret shooting Mordin, never telling the Krogan about not curing the Genophage, and I regret not talking to you when I should have.” Shepard said lowering his gaze, knowing that some of this was news to Kaidan.

”You shot Mordin?” 

”I did.” Shepard whispered, ”I couldn't let him cure the genophage. I needed the Salarians in the war...and...it's not important any more.” 

”You were saving the Galaxy, I guess that it couldn't be helped.” Kaidan said, ”But as you said, it's just not important any more.” Kaidan bit his lip and leaned in over the table, closer to Shepard. ”John, answer me this honestly, -” 

Shepard looked up, his ruby red eyes focusing on Kaidan, ”I never wanted anyone else, only you.” 

”Really?” Kaidan sounded surprised.

”Yeah, really.” Shepard nodded.

”Then why...” 

Shepard was silent for a long time. Debating with himself if he should just tell Kaidan, or if he should blow him off with a hard comment and walk off. The latter would be the kindest, wouldn't it? But as he looked into the tired brown eyes of Kaidan, he had to look away. ”Moore was right.” Shepard whispered, ”That's was what was wrong.” 

”He is not right.” Kaidan said.

”You said it yourself,” Shepard whispered, ”Remember when we found that Cerberus husk on Mars? You looked at me and I knew what you were really thinking.” 

”That was ages ago, ” Kaidan said, ”And, yeah, I might have thought that at the time. What was I supposed to think? That Cerberus was capable of miracles?” 

”They are not,” Shepard said poking the Navigation mechanics idly. ”Project Lazarus was... a crime.” 

”Don't say that,” Kaidan said, placing a hand on top of Shepard's. ”It brought you back, didn't it?” 

Shepard stared at Kaidan's hand on his. ”No it brought back the image of John Shepard, complete with memories of past deeds, childhood and a set of -” 

”John.” 

”I mean it Kaidan,” Shepard said, looking up at Kaidan, not moving his hand out from under the warm heat that seemed to ground him. ”What makes me more John Shepard, than the other John Shepard?” 

”For starters, he was an asshole.” Kaidan said with a little smile.

Shepard couldn't help but to let out a little chuckle. ”True. But really Kaidan, what gives me the right to fill John Shepard's shoes? I am no more him, than the other Shepard was.” He finally pulled his hand out from under Kaidan's, ”The man you knew died on his way down through the atmosphere of Alchera.” 

”Alright,” Kaidan crossed his arms, ”What about the man I love then? Loved.” 

”He uhm...” Shepard rubbed his neck nervously, ”He died with his twin.” 

Kaidan looked down at the table with a silent 'oh'. ”So you think there are more of you?” 

”For all I know, there could be hangar's full.” Shepard sighed, ”All complete with the looks and memories. Just waiting to be awoken when the one before is useless.” 

”The clone, cause that was what he was, knew he was a imposter, knew he was a clone. John think about that, he knew what he didn't have.” Kaidan said softly.

”Stop it Kaidan.” Shepard said, getting off the table.

”Why? It's true. And if anyone should know that, it would be me.” Kaidan argued.

”After they patched me up from the Reaper war, I was well past 50% cybernetics, how can that be life? I should have died in that war, Kaidan. Because this... this is...” He held out his hand in front of Kaidan's face, forcing him to look at the torn knuckles and ruined nails. ”Every inch of my skin is grown in a goddamn laboratory Kaidan!” He yelled, frustrated. ”My liver, my tongue, my teeth, my eyes, even my goddamn heart is grown... like some fucking mold in a laboratory! Don't come and tell me I am real, I'm not! I am made up of fucking wires and -” He took a deep breath terribly aware that everyone was looking at them due to his outburst.

”Didn't keep Joker from loving EDI.” Kaidan offered softly. ”All I am saying is, you should have told me John, we could have – Yeah, well it doesn't matter any more, I suppose.” He looked away from Shepard's beaten expression, ”Just make sure that you put all that shit behind you, and are 100% onto of this mission.” 

”Don't worry about it,” Shepard said pocketing his hands. ”I stopped dealing in emotional variables, long ago,” he hissed in a whisper, and walked off, but not too fast to hear Kaidan growl 'fuck' and the sound of something hitting the floor. 

~*~

”John,” Kaidan said, snuggling against Shepard's side, ”I've been thinking.” 

”Uh oh,” Shepard chuckled and wrapped an arm around Kaidan's shoulders, pulling him closer, till he could feel Kaidan's soft breath against his neck and jaw. ”I am not paying to see the new Blasto, if that is what you're asking.” 

Kaidan chuckled, ”No, this is...” He stretched a little, the sofa creaking, ”We are family, you and me, we're family now.” 

”Yeah,” Shepard said with a warm smile, he turned his head a little and kissed Kaidan's temple, ”We are.” 

”What, what would you say to, uhm, children? I mean we could just apply, we wouldn't be  
obligated or anything, and...” Kaidan whispered seductively in his ear.

”Children?” Shepard laughed, ”You really think we are parent material?” 

”Yeah,” Kaidan sighed softly, kissing the base of Shepard's jaw, ”I do.” 

”So,” Shepard turned in his seat, pulling Kaidan against his chest, letting them both fall backwards into the soft leather of the sofa, ”Don't you have to be married to adopt?” 

”Well, there's that.” Kaidan said with a little sneaky smile.

Shepard laughed, ”Is this your idea of a proposal Alenko?” 

”Maybe,” Kaidan smiled, and kissed Shepard softly, ”So, what do you say?” 

”A family, huh?” Shepard tightened his hold on Kaidan. ”In that case, who can say no to you?” 

”I love you, John.” 

”I love you too, Major.” Shepard grinned, and squirmed as Kaidan poked him in the ribs.

~*~

Shepard woke, but kept his eyes closed. He tried to return to his dream, but the insisting beep of machines in the room and the slight shake of the ground worried him so much that he opened his eyes. God, he missed Kaidan. Not the angry shell stuck on this forsaken rock, but the vibrant, warm lover he had known. He had managed to fuck that up pretty damn effectively, not only his life, but Kaidan's too. He had been right though, Kaidan would never understand. The tremor in the ground came back, and now Shepard pulled the blanket off and sat up. He heard voices in the next room.

”Shepard!” Liara said with a smile as Shepard came into the room, with a badly hidden yawn, ”I was just about to go wake you.” 

”Oh?” Shepard said, aiming directly for the coffee, ”Why didn't you?” 

”Garrus said you should sleep for as long possible.” Liara said, ”And he is right, you do look...worn out.” 

”I'm fine,” Shepard mumbled into his cup, ”Garrus is just a worry wart.” Another tremor shook up through the floor, and Shepard had to hold on to his cup. ”What the hell -is- that?” 

”The atmosphere plant, it's nuclear, remember?” Liara said, while she continued to put water bottles in a bag. 

”Yeah.” 

”Well, I think the core is going into meltdown...” Liara looked thoughtful for a moment, ”I think those Xenos, or whatever we are calling them, probably have their nest there. It's warm and humid, unlike anywhere else on this planet, and we have not come across any nests, or mentioning of a nest, anywhere else. So, if we assume maybe they broke something important in the cooling system?” She shrugged, ”Whatever the reason, the plant will attempt to vent itself for a little time yet, until it just -” 

”Explodes?” Shepard finished her sentence and watched her nod. ”How many megatons?” 

”Around 60,” Liara said, ”Enough to tear this rock in two, and then some.” 

”So, the whole place is gonna blow,” Shepard said taking another calm sip of his coffee. ”When?” 

”My best guess, around an hour, give or take,” Liara tossed a bag to Shepard, ”We are a part of the second and last team to go to the shuttle. So grab whatever you think we'll need.” 

”Where's Kaidan? And Garrus?” Shepard asked, ”James?” 

”They all left with the first team. They are carrying some injured to the shuttle, and making the final repairs. We figured we'd have a better chance at this if we didn't all go at once, but maybe manage to sneak by them in two teams.” 

”Who's stellar idea was that?” Shepard sighed. 

”We need to move, before they notice the first team,” Liara said, ”What is it you always say? We move out in ten?” 

Shepard laughed and saluted Liara, ”Yes, ma'am.”

~*~

Shepard, Liara and the two remaining uninjured soldiers made their way though empty halls. They were all a little spooked by their surrounds, and Liara actually let out a little yelp as the radio suddenly fizzed to life. ”Team two,” a voice yelled, over static and what sounded like gunfire. ”We need you here – now!” 

”On our way!” Shepard yelled, ”Come on, double time!” He said, looking up at the ceiling of the hall, hearing scratching noises. 

They all ran as fast as they could to the shuttle. They could hear it on the radio, team one's desperate fight to get the shuttle ready, and to hold off the Xeno's. ”No, don't get too close!” Someone that sounded like Garrus yelled, accompanied by a scream. ”Fuck! Get him, get his ass in here!” Garrus yelled again.

”They're in trouble,” Liara panted as she ran, stating the obvious. 

Shepard looked around as they ran, ”They are fucking everywhere,” he panted back. Suddenly, the radio went silent. ”Team one!” Shepard yelled into the microphone, ”Garrus! Kaidan! James! Fuck, anyone, please respond!” 

”What is that?” He heard James gasp, and in the same instant he saw it too, it was huge! It looked like the other Xenos just ten times their size. 

”We have a visual, team one,” Shepard yelled. ”Liara, take the rest of the team and go around the shuttle, maybe it won't see you.” When Liara opened her mouth to object, Shepard pushed her, ”Go!” He pulled two flares from the front pocket of his bag and tossed the bag at the last hesitating soldier, ”I said go!” With grim determination he stepped the opposite way of the others, hoping that Liara was right about the thermal vision, or even just sensory vision would work. He could hear the radio from team two, and heard that Liara joined them. 

”Where's John?” Kaidan asked. 

”He, he stayed behind,” Liara panted.

”John!” Kaidan yelled down in the radio, ”Don't pull this shit!” 

Shepard smiled, as he broke a flare and waved them over his head, while he aimed with his other hand, shooting the huge Xeno in the side. He got the reaction he had hoped for, as it turned her head and hissed. Shepard shot it once more just for good measure, and waved the flare. ”Over here you fucker!” he yelled. ”Come get it!” 

Kaidan could hear Shepard pant as he ran. ”Kaidan! The large one is leaving, is the cockpit done?” James yelled, shooting at a smaller Xeno.

”Almost,” Kaidan said, while he and Garrus struggled to get it all set up right. 

”Make it happen, Alenko.” Shepard quipped over the radio static, ”I don't think I can hold it off forever.” 

”John,” Kaidan winced, noting the way Garrus looked at him, ”Shepard! Don't be a hero.” 

Shepard laughed, his voice blending with the radio's static, ”I don't feel heroic. You know what I feel like? A fucking idiot, that's what.” There was a large bang like a car driving into a metal plate, and then Shepard who whistled, ”Hello there, come to daddy.” And then a whole lot of shuffling.

”Kaidan!” James yelled, ”Speed it up man, we're running out of ammo!” 

”We're doing it as fast as we can,” Garrus yelled back. ”You don't want the shuttle to stop working half way through the atmosphere, now do you?”

They heard the sound of a door opening over the radio, and Shepard that growled, ”Alright, you're on, bitch.” 

”What the hell is he doing? Anyone got a visual?” Kaidan yelled over his shoulder. 

”I think I see him,” James yelled back, he swiftly looked the perimeter over in his scope, ”There he is, Jesus! He's in one of those cargo vehicles.” 

”On his way?” Garrus asked.

”No, he's driving straight into the huge Xeno.” 

It was then that all their radios cut to an anonymous female voice calmly notifying them that the plant had a critical malfunction that would shut it down in forty minutes, and all personnel had twenty minutes to reach minimum safe distance. 

”This is bad,” Garrus mumbled. 

”Almost done!” Kaidan called. ”Shepard!” He called down into the radio, ”Get back here! We're leaving in ten.” 

”Check!” Shepard growled in the other end. 

Just a moment after Kaidan had hands off the cockpit, ”Done! How are you Garrus?” 

”Done!” Garrus said lifting his hands off the cockpit, seating himself behind the wheel. 

”Shepard?” Kaidan said in the radio, ”We're leaving, where are you?” 

”On my way,” Shepard said, out of breath. 

Kaidan went to stand besides James, picking up a rifle and started to shoot advancing Xeno's. He could see the little yellow cargo vehicle driving towards them, but then the huge Xeno came back, chasing after it. ”Shepard! Look out!” Kaidan yelled in the radio. 

It all happened so fast that none of them had a chance to react, the long tail of the huge Xeno swung around and speared Shepard in the cabin of the cargo vehicle, pulling him out, legs kicking and the scream all too real in the radio. The huge Xeno tossed Shepard like a rag doll into the metal body of a hangar, and then continued against the shuttle. Kaidan paled, and without really giving it second thought, he pushed James out of the way as he jumped out on the ground. ”Go!” he yelled at James, ”I'll get Shepard. You can circle back in ten and get us, hopefully by then the huge thing will have given up, or, we can move to somewhere safer for pick up.” 

”No!” James yelled back. Liara came up behind James and just looked at Kaidan. 

”I am not leaving without him.” Kaidan stated, and then started to run away from the shuttle and towards where Shepard was tossed.

”Get us in the air,” Liara said with a broken tone.

~*~

Kaidan skidded over the sand and dirt, dodging the huge Xeno, it seemed to be more interested in the shuttle that had taken off, than in him. ”Oh, John,” he gasped as he saw Shepard. There was blood everywhere, and his right arm was almost severed from the rest of his body. Kaidan grabbed the unconscious Shepard and pulled him inside the hangar, and into a vent. He caressed Shepard's face, trying to rid it from dirt and blood. ”John, you hear me?” 

Shepard opened his eyes unfocused and confused. ”Kaidan?” he whispered and then smiled, ”What are -” 

”Can't leave without you, you big fucking idiot,” Kaidan whispered, resting his forehead against Shepard's. 

”Don't think I'm going anywhere.” Shepard said with a little sad smile. 

Kaidan was silent for a little moment, and then whispered, ”Then, neither am I.” 

Shepard turned his head and looked at Kaidan, ”Now I know I'm dying, and my mind is messing with me, 'cause you would never do anything this stupid in reality.” 

Kaidan sighed, ”I – Let's just...” 

”Family.” Shepard whispered, spitting up blood.

”You and me,” Kaidan whispered back, blinking a tear out of his eye, looking at Shepard who struggled to stay awake, banged up, deadly pale and shivering from his body trying to compensate from the gaping hole in the side. ”I love you,” he whispered, kissing the corner of Shepard's mouth, tasting blood.

”I know,” Shepard blinked sluggish, smiling teeth dyed red with blood, ”I love you too, always.”

Kaidan closed his eyes, ”Then why did you push me away?” 

”I felt unworthy of life,” Shepard answered truthfully, letting Kaidan rearrange him in his lap. The woman in the radio came back, telling them that they had two minutes to reach minimum safety distance. 

”Kaidan! Come in Kaidan!” Garrus said in the radio, ”We gotta go! Can he make it to the pick up?” 

Kaidan looked down at Shepard and smiled lovingly. ”Just go,” he said to Garrus in the radio, ”Me and John are gonna hang out here for a little while.” 

”Kaidan, we have -” Garrus argued.

”He's being an idiot,” Shepard croaked. ”Garrus.” 

”Shepard!” Garrus gasped, and then he was silent for a moment. ”This is -”

”Yeah, yeah it is.” Kaidan blinked more tears out of his eyes, letting them fall on Shepard's cheek, and broken hand. He was about to say something else, but then the ground rumbled once more and the lady on the radio announced that all personnel should now have evacuated, and that the plant would start to vent in five minutes, and the radio to Garrus and the shuttle was cut off.

”No walking away from this,” Shepard said quietly. ”No soft sofas, no lame Blasto movies, no long nights just the two of us..” 

Kaidan wished he could stop crying but he couldn't. And who cared anyway? ”No walking away from this,” Kaidan mirrored.

”I'm sorry,” Shepard whispered, his head lulling in Kaidan's arms.

”I know,” Kaidan said, ”Me too.” 

”Giant idiots,” Shepard chuckled, spitting more blood. ”God I love you.” 

”I'll wait for you in the bar.” Kaidan whispered with a soft sob. He was not ready for this, would never be ready for this. He wanted to live, he wanted them both to live. But to be left in a world with a Shepard shaped hole in it was more scary than death. He had gone through it once and had promised himself he'd never do it again. 

”You better,” Shepard whispered soft as a breath. 

The woman on the radio started to count down from ten. 

~*~

Garrus called for Shepard and Kaidan a couple of times but couldn't raise them. It was with a heavy heart they set course for the Normandy, flying as fast as the shuttle would carry them to avoid the blast when the nuclear plant melted down. 

When the explosion came, it rattled the shuttle to the point where they thought it might come apart. ”Oh,” Liara said, and unlike her she turned and hid her head in the crook of James' neck. And even James had to wipe his eyes before anyone else noticed. Holding Liara a little closer. 

”I have a visual of the Normandy,” Garrus said flatly. ”And... Come see this!” 

Liara and James looked out the cockpit window, seeing the random rocks that were once LV-426, and what could only be described as being like the Aurora Borealis as the closest sun's rays hit the debris. ”It's beautiful,” Liara said.

”Peaceful.” James added.

Garrus let out a strangled sound, and took a deep breath, ”You think?” 

”Yeah,” Liara said with a little nod. 

”Let's... let's just get back to the Normandy,” James said with a muddled voice. 

”Yeah,” Garrus agreed. ”Safe travels, and have a drink on me,” he murmured softly at the shimmering lights before changing course for the Normandy.

END


End file.
